Month: March 2016

Devil Side

 

I’m excited to share another post from my friend Angela, who shared this piece a while back about anxiety. I love when she shares with us because reading pieces and blog posts by women being vulnerable and telling you about the times that they felt confused and scared is a rare find in the blogging world, and I appreciate her courage.

I wrote this piece about a past relationship to learn a lesson, to remember just how deep I allowed myself to sink. I wanted to show myself that I was hiding in denial from something so grotesque, I am almost ashamed to share. But here it is, because I have learned that keeping my mouth shut about this is the only thing I feel ashamed of anymore.

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Run and hide, it’s gonna be bad tonight, ’cause here comes your devil side. It’s gonna ruin me. It’s almost like slow motion suicide watching your devil side get between you and me.

Devil Side by Foxes

 

The sound of the pool queue clattering to the floor silenced the bar. His anger erupted with screaming profanities and then he was running away, leaving the fallout from his outburst on me.

I felt the blood rushing beneath my skin and the eyes of everyone in the bar watching me with pity, or maybe disgust, as I scrambled to pick up his queue and follow him outside. I called his name, but he ignored me, disappearing into the night.

“Are you okay?” a friend of his asked, stopping me from following him.

“I’m fine.” It was a lie I was accustomed to telling. It was as easy to say as my own name.

“No you’re not,” he said.

I began to cry and pleaded for his friend to let me go so I could pick him up and bring him home. Excuses for his behavior bubbled out of my mouth. I had played this role so many times. I was an expert. But his friend knew better.

“You don’t have to feel this way,” he said.

“I know, I know, please let me go get him. I just want to bring him home,” I pleaded.

“He’s drunk,” the friend said. “Are you going to be safe?”

“Yeah, I know. I’m fine,” I insisted but I was thinking, Who cares about me?

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I found him a mile up the road and pulled over. He was fuming and shut off, a shell of the man I believed still existed. He pulled his queue from my car and threw it violently at a lamppost, shattering it. A man was watching cautiously from his yard, looking like he was contemplating calling the police. Cars passed slowly, drivers staring as if they were watching a film.

I begged him to get in the car and come home and just let it go. It was just one bad game. My words set him off and he screamed at me. He got big and scary and I thought he was going to hit me. He assured me that he would never hurt me, but I had watched him do plenty of things I didn’t think he was capable of doing.

Finally, he got in my car and I drove him home, crying the whole way. When I parked, he sat in the dirt and threatened to run away. He said he hated his life, he hated his job, he hated that I cared so much, and he hated himself. He didn’t say it, but I knew he hated me too.

For over two hours, he spat vitriolic words at me, acidic insults that cut me down to my greatest insecurities and I sat with him, trying to act impervious, trying to bring him back.

For neither the first time, nor the last time, I coaxed him down from his ledge and got him inside. He fell asleep quickly but I was awake all night wondering why the man I adored was so deeply troubled. How had one bad game of pool spiralled into this?

I pushed down the nagging feeling that I was in danger, that I was sacrificing my happiness for someone who felt more like an addiction than a partner. Somehow, believing that I loved him made his actions, his violence, his anger, and his cruelty irrelevant.

It felt so natural to put myself on hold to help him, but the longer this went on, the more I realized that I loved a footprint of a man long gone. He had dragged me down with him by asking for my love and then refusing to help himself. I suffered through the rest of the relationship, feeling trapped and insecure, until it came to a fiery end at his hand.

The man who told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore was not the same man I had met at the beginning of the year. The mask he had used to enchant me had fallen off. He had stopped trying to hide his tortured life from me. All that remained was an angry, dependent man who was determined to lose everything.

When we said goodbye, I cried. It felt like an arrow being pulled from my stomach: deafening pain followed by a rush of sweet relief as he walked away for the last time.

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3 easy ways to make your routine more green

I have been trying to make lazy easy changes to my daily routine lately to make things more healthy – tweaking my snacks to more healthy options, drinking more water, drinking less alcohol (still not totally sold on that one)… Since my routine is super stable right now, I figured small tweaks can make a big impact.

With spring cleaning in the air, I also started to think about how small tweaks around the house could make a big impact. This chick that I mentioned in this post made me feel guilty about how much waste I produce at home, and how the products I use contribute to a wasteful society. So I made 3 easy changes to things I do every day to make my life feel simpler and more green (which makes me feel like a better and more-together person, which is the totally selfish reason behind all this ;) ).

3 Easy Ways to Make Your Routine More Green
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1. Ditch the expensive face wash or wasteful makeup remover wipes for coconut oil.

I got this one from Emily, who has talked on the blog back in the day about using green beauty products. She uses coconut oil for everything. Cooking, for her hair, and as a skin moisturizer – probably among other things. So when I started noticing myself tossing makeup remover wipes after hardly using it, I knew I should call her to find a better way.

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I bought coconut oil on Amazon and started using it to remove my eyeliner at the end of the day. So far I love it. It’s saving me SO much money (one tiny bit goes such a long way!), it’s a lot less wasteful, and it feels amazing – like I’m giving myself a little spa treatment every night before bed. Plus it smells so good I have to convince myself not to eat it every time I use it. Which I guess I could technically do – but that would be weird.

To make it look cuter than that big tub, I put some in a little jar and stored the rest. We got these on Amazon (of course) for our spices in the kitchen, and we had a few left over – it was perfect.

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2. Swap a beauty product you use every day for one with natural ingredients.

Emily also inspired this one – check out this post about how she went green with all of her products and the research she did. I figured if I’m not ready to do a complete overhaul yet, I can at least start with the things that I use everyday on my skin. One of those is black eyeliner, for my favorite cat-eye look.

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It’s a little more expensive than I’m used to, but I like it so far and feel a little better about using a more natural product than your typical store bought eyeliner, since I use it so much. The only complaint I have is that it kind of flakes off when I use the coconut oil to remove it, which can get a tad messier than I’m used to – but really, who cares. It gives me the right look, is easy to apply, and doesn’t smear more than any other eyeliner I’ve used, so I’m happy. Next, I’m ordering this mascara – hopefully it’s just as good.

3. Ditch paper towels.

Paper towels have been something that have bugged me for a long time. I do plenty of wasteful things, TRUST me. But for some reason I have like, a thing about paper towels. I just think they are so overused and wasteful – you grab a whole thing of paper to wipe up ONE thing and then you just throw it away. I don’t know. I won’t judge you if I go to your house and you have paper towels, but I just decided a long time ago that I could find another solution in my house. If you come to my house and I have a super wasteful thing goin on, feel free to call me out and judge me for it. There’s a lot to work with, I’m sure.

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We got cloth napkins for eating and a ton of rags for cleaning, and honestly I think it works great. And get this – we don’t have a washer and dryer. It’s the most pain in the ass thing of my life, believe me – but for some reason, the cloth napkins and rag thing isn’t a pain in the ass. We just got enough rags and napkins to get us through in between laundry visits and it’s no big deal.

We keep the rags under our sink, with a bin for dirty ones that we grab to wash when we head out for the laundromat (aka my sister’s house).

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We keep clean cloth napkins with our hand towels in the kitchen – and to be honest, it makes me feel kinda fancy.

And there you have it, folks. Just a couple of thangs I did around the house (without having to leave the house – thank you Amazon) that made me feel the following ways:

  • fancy
  • green
  • righteous
  • like one of those people living a “simple life”
  • like someone who has their shit together
  • like someone who cares about stuff

So if you want to feel those things, try looking for little tweaks you can make in your routine – all implemented while hardly getting off the couch.

 

Have you found ways to make your life more green, cheaper, or simple? I wanna know!

 

 

 

Happy Birthday, Miss Mélange

Wow. So – thanks to Facebook and their “memories” thing – I realized that it is Miss Mélange’s 2 year birthday today!

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Whaaaaaaaaaaaat.

Some of you may have been here since the beginning, others not, so I thought we could take a walk down memory lane and tell the good ‘ol blog’s origin story.

March 3rd, 2014:

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Who are those other chicks, you might ask?

Well, here’s how it all started. It was 2014, and I had been laid off from my job in December. I was sitting around Anthony’s apartment, looking for jobs and living with his his insanely generous roommates who let me stay there rent-free. Then Emily calls me, my bff. She’s like – my sister-in-law and I were talking about starting a blog, and you should do it with us.

I was like, meh. I don’t even read blogs. Emily was the one who kept up on interior design and fashion and what the blogging world was saying about it. She’s like, it’s fine, just write stuff! I thought it would be a great way to stay busy until I found a job – and it turned out to be REALLY fun.

The idea in the beginning was to have three perspectives – Katherine was married with a kid and one on the way in Santa Cruz, Emily was married with no kids in San Diego, and I had a boyfriend in Santa Barbara. We thought it would be cool to have these glimpses into different stages of life in various awesome California cities.

And it was, before we all realized that blogging is hard!

Katherine was like, guys, I’m pregnant and I don’t have any time! And we were like, duh, no problem. Then it was me and Emily for a while there. But she was moving and dealing with all sorts of life changes, and it was just too much to keep up with for her.

Then I found myself with a blog randomly, all on my own.

But I really liked doing it. It was scary to have everything be about me, but luckily Emily had done most of the hard work of setting up the design and the site itself. All I had to do was make some edits and keep writing.

Even though I work full time and I don’t have as much energy as I wish I did to dedicate to the blog, I still love it and love all of you. Thanks for reading and commenting, it means so much to me!

Now I thought I would share some oldie but goodie posts and pictures that you may have missed. Enjoy!

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Style with a Story

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White Guilt

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Bookshelf Styling

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Photo by Two Happy Lambs Photography

…and suddenly I was FaceTiming my ex.

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People mistake me for air

 

Here’s to another 2 years! <3

 

 

 

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