Love & Dating

Devil Side

 

I’m excited to share another post from my friend Angela, who shared this piece a while back about anxiety. I love when she shares with us because reading pieces and blog posts by women being vulnerable and telling you about the times that they felt confused and scared is a rare find in the blogging world, and I appreciate her courage.

I wrote this piece about a past relationship to learn a lesson, to remember just how deep I allowed myself to sink. I wanted to show myself that I was hiding in denial from something so grotesque, I am almost ashamed to share. But here it is, because I have learned that keeping my mouth shut about this is the only thing I feel ashamed of anymore.

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Run and hide, it’s gonna be bad tonight, ’cause here comes your devil side. It’s gonna ruin me. It’s almost like slow motion suicide watching your devil side get between you and me.

Devil Side by Foxes

 

The sound of the pool queue clattering to the floor silenced the bar. His anger erupted with screaming profanities and then he was running away, leaving the fallout from his outburst on me.

I felt the blood rushing beneath my skin and the eyes of everyone in the bar watching me with pity, or maybe disgust, as I scrambled to pick up his queue and follow him outside. I called his name, but he ignored me, disappearing into the night.

“Are you okay?” a friend of his asked, stopping me from following him.

“I’m fine.” It was a lie I was accustomed to telling. It was as easy to say as my own name.

“No you’re not,” he said.

I began to cry and pleaded for his friend to let me go so I could pick him up and bring him home. Excuses for his behavior bubbled out of my mouth. I had played this role so many times. I was an expert. But his friend knew better.

“You don’t have to feel this way,” he said.

“I know, I know, please let me go get him. I just want to bring him home,” I pleaded.

“He’s drunk,” the friend said. “Are you going to be safe?”

“Yeah, I know. I’m fine,” I insisted but I was thinking, Who cares about me?

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I found him a mile up the road and pulled over. He was fuming and shut off, a shell of the man I believed still existed. He pulled his queue from my car and threw it violently at a lamppost, shattering it. A man was watching cautiously from his yard, looking like he was contemplating calling the police. Cars passed slowly, drivers staring as if they were watching a film.

I begged him to get in the car and come home and just let it go. It was just one bad game. My words set him off and he screamed at me. He got big and scary and I thought he was going to hit me. He assured me that he would never hurt me, but I had watched him do plenty of things I didn’t think he was capable of doing.

Finally, he got in my car and I drove him home, crying the whole way. When I parked, he sat in the dirt and threatened to run away. He said he hated his life, he hated his job, he hated that I cared so much, and he hated himself. He didn’t say it, but I knew he hated me too.

For over two hours, he spat vitriolic words at me, acidic insults that cut me down to my greatest insecurities and I sat with him, trying to act impervious, trying to bring him back.

For neither the first time, nor the last time, I coaxed him down from his ledge and got him inside. He fell asleep quickly but I was awake all night wondering why the man I adored was so deeply troubled. How had one bad game of pool spiralled into this?

I pushed down the nagging feeling that I was in danger, that I was sacrificing my happiness for someone who felt more like an addiction than a partner. Somehow, believing that I loved him made his actions, his violence, his anger, and his cruelty irrelevant.

It felt so natural to put myself on hold to help him, but the longer this went on, the more I realized that I loved a footprint of a man long gone. He had dragged me down with him by asking for my love and then refusing to help himself. I suffered through the rest of the relationship, feeling trapped and insecure, until it came to a fiery end at his hand.

The man who told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore was not the same man I had met at the beginning of the year. The mask he had used to enchant me had fallen off. He had stopped trying to hide his tortured life from me. All that remained was an angry, dependent man who was determined to lose everything.

When we said goodbye, I cried. It felt like an arrow being pulled from my stomach: deafening pain followed by a rush of sweet relief as he walked away for the last time.

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Valentine’s Day Inspiration

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I’m going to admit this right now – I have never been a huge Valentine’s Day person. It seems a little forced to me, I guess? Like, can we all acknowledge that every day is basically a day when the world is obsessed with love and relationships?

Myself included.

Anyway, Anthony and I usually celebrate our birthdays and anniversaries, and save our money the rest of the holidays. But, I have been super into seeing a bunch of pink and cute things on other people’s blogs and I thought – I would love to contribute to someone else’s Valentine’s Day fun. So I have some stuff that I think you’ll like.

unsplash_5244808e6b835_1 Here are my favorite love songs right now, to get you in the romantic mood:

I want to love you – Lenachka – I am super into this song right now and would play it on repeat if I wasn’t too cheap to buy the premium version of Spotify. So romantic and sweet.

Say you love me – Jessie Ware – This has been one of my faves for over a year now probably – Ed Sheeran wrote it I think. It’s bomb.

Comrade – Volcano Choir – Honestly, I have no idea what these lyrics are about or what he’s saying half the time – but the song is beautiful and dreamy so I decided it falls in the love song category.

Love myself – Hailee Steinfeld – For when you’re like, “You know who my favorite person is? ME!” (P.S. I am aware of what the song is actually about, but it also works for an innocent “go me” song…)

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I ran across some adorable ideas from Advice from a 20something for what to do with your honey this vday – it includes making a fort, which is just awesome.

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Are you like awesomely single and dating up a storm? Thinking about online dating? Check out my post on my OkCupid experience (don’t forget parts 2 and 3!).

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Thinking about wedding bells and expensive dresses? I still love my best friend’s wedding photos – they planned it all themselves, so there’s a lot of inspiration in there if you are close to tying the knot (or just expanding that wedding board on Pinterest for when the day comes).

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I also listened to this awesome podcast about rethinking single life the other day and loved it.

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Anthony and I actually do have plans – we are going to go to an event on campus which is like a grown up prom, and all inclusive – very queer friendly with the idea of dressing and doing what you wish you could have done when you went to your high school prom. Cute, huh? I’m pretty excited to dress up and dance to live music with friends!

 

What are your plans for this Valentine’s Day?

 

 

Mélange à trois: Should we move in together?

IMG_7076 Welcome to the new series, Mélange à trois, where we will discuss life’s burning questions about life, love, and style. Have a question you just can’t find the answer to? Email me at missmelangeblog@gmail.com and we’ll talk about it!

 

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months. His lease ended unexpectedly, so he moved in to my huge room in my house with other roommates. It wasn’t a huge deal since he was looking to buy a house soon and would probably only be there for a couple of weeks. Then a new roommate moved in to my house, and things got weird – they were constantly bringing over strangers and partying, doing coke in the house, and just making me feel really uncomfortable. Another one of our roommates is now leaving, and I am having less say in who we choose for the room. Then my boyfriend found a house, and we found ourselves asking: why don’t I just get out of here and move in with him? He was going to get a roommate anyway to help with the mortgage, and I couldn’t stay in this house anymore. It’s so early in our relationship, but the idea doesn’t scare me – we’re really serious, said I love you, and just know each other is the one. It’s really just the idea of what other people will think… Are we crazy?

 

No, you’re not crazy. I wouldn’t want to be in that house any more either, and if you are serious with your boyfriend, I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to move in if it makes perfect practical sense. It sounds like the only thing keeping you from doing it would be what other people would think – which in my opinion, is never a good thing to base any decision off of.

But let’s talk it out –

Scenario 1: You don’t move in with him. In this case, you will feel a little creeped out at your own place all the time, and probably look for somewhere new to live – then you’ll have to deal with finding the money for a new deposit, hoping you’ll find a place that fits all your needs, etc…. And even if you do find another place, how long do you think you would actually live there before you would want to move in with your boyfriend anyway? Maybe 6 months, because being together for a year, then moving in, is more socially acceptable? Doesn’t sound that worth it to me. Moving is a pain in the ass – I try to avoid it as much as possible.

Scenario 2: You do move in with him, and it’s wonderful and yay and so easy and best landlord ever and they lived happily ever after.

Scenario 3: You move in and things go badly. You’ve only known him for a few months and you realize you didn’t know all these awful things about him and you fight and break up. Sounds awful to add living with someone on top of all the break up drama.

However – this could happen after a year, or two years, or ten years of living together. Sure, maybe you won’t get as many “I told you so”s from lame people who might judge you, but other than that – it will always suck.

I say, ask yourself what you would do in a vacuum – if you didn’t have to worry what other people thought. It sounds like in that case you would move in with him – so do it! If that’s the only thing that’s really in the “con” column, it doesn’t seem worth it to me to go against your gut.

 

What do you all think? Let us know in the comments below – especially if you disagree!

 

 

 

Have a question? Email missmelangeblog@gmail.com

 

…and suddenly I was FaceTiming my ex.

 

I was reading this post from Cupcakes and Cashmere the other day and thought I should share one of my most embarrassing social media/technology moments. Cuz it’s a good one.

 

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Photo by Two Happy Lambs Photography

 

I was catching up with an old friend on the phone one day, pacing around my studio apartment during a marathon conversation about dating. She was dating a guy at the time and didn’t feel like it could really go anywhere serious, and I started telling her about a guy I dated a while back that I had felt the same way about.

So I’m telling her about this guy that I had dated that only lasted a few weeks. Blah blah blah blah… Wait. Was she still on the line? She hadn’t said “Ya, totally” or laughed at my hilarious jokes in a while.

So I take my phone off my ear to look at it. It said I was about to FaceTime – with the guy I was just talking about.

Seriously.

Then, before I could even register the horror of the situation, he was looking at me.

 

Let’s address two things at this point in the story:

1. I could have had one of those rejuvenating green goop face masks on. I could have just gotten out of the shower with mascara all over my face that I hadn’t washed off yet because I was at home, alone, talking to a friend. Miracle of miracles, I think I looked pretty normal – albeit TOTALLY SHOCKED that this was happening to me.

2. Pick up your phone. Yes, you. Go to your contacts. Scroll through and find anyone you don’t want to randomly FaceTime with. Especially exes. Lesson learned, ya’ll.

So here’s what happened. I’m chatting away with my phone on my cheek, and it somehow unlocked and my cheek clicked away and brought up my contacts. This gentleman’s name started with an “A”, so my cheek then decided to make my day a lot more interesting by clicking his name and then clicking “FaceTime”. Oh, and I had hung up on my friend a few moments before. So I’m chatting away and he doesn’t answer the call (THANK GOD). Then he FaceTimes me back. That’s when I stop talking and look at my phone and then it’s happening.

Some things still don’t add up for me – like, wouldn’t I hear it ring? Even when you are the one calling via FaceTime, it makes a ringing noise while it’s connecting… Maybe I’m not remembering certain details accurately, but all I know is: one minute I’m talking to my friend, the next I’m suddenly FaceTiming my ex.

So needless to say it was a confusing and awkward conversation that I tried to end as soon as possible. But let’s address some things, in conclusion:

1. WHY WOULD HE CALL ME BACK? On FaceTime?? He should know by now that he gets accidentally dialed because of his name. We hadn’t spoken in months. Wouldn’t that be your first conclusion? Maybe send a text to verify?

2. OF ALL THE “A” NAMES!! Why him?? The person I was JUST talking about? Too weird.

Takeaway: Don’t move your phone around a lot while you’re talking so it doesn’t unlock and wreak havoc on your life. Also, delete your exes numbers if you no longer want to talk to them.

What is your most embarrassing social media/tech mishap moment? Please share!

 

 

 

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