advice

Wait, why again?

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Mélange à trois is a series where we discuss life’s burning questions about life, love, and style. Have a question you just can’t find the answer to? Email me at missmelangeblog@gmail.com and we’ll talk about it!

 

I have this group of girlfriends that I see pretty often. I’ve known them for forever, and they are fun to hang out with – but lately I feel like we don’t have much in common, and even though I have fun, I leave feeling weird. I find myself giving more than I’m getting – initiating things with them, asking them how they are and not talking about myself at all… And I’m starting to wonder why I put in the effort. But I’ve known these girls for forever, and I would feel bad about turning down invites (even though they don’t come to my get togethers)… What can I do to not rock the boat, but to stop feeling bleh about the whole thing?

 

Okay. Let’s break this down:

  • These friends don’t have anything in common with you
  • They aren’t giving anything in your friendship
  • You feel shitty after hanging out with them
  • They don’t come to your stuff, but you go to theirs

The only things keeping you from changing it up are:

  • You’ve known them for forever
  • You feel bad turning them down

Let’s start with the two reasons that would prevent you from changing the current state of things.

It doesn’t matter that you have known them for a long time if you aren’t getting anything out of these friendships. It’s not like you’re banning them from your life, and if you end up having things in common later and life and they bring value as friends, then great, you can always pick things back up. But right now, your life is being weighed down by unnecessary shit, and this is something you need to cut out. We’ll get to why later.

But you also feel bad turning them down. Here’s the thing – what would you rather feel: irrational guilt for turning down an invite from them when they turn down yours, or that frustrated feeling you get when you realize you got off your couch and did your hair, all for a couple of hours that you wish you could get back to do something you care about?

Then there’s the bigger picture. It’s not just about your Friday night, or who has accepted the most invitations – it’s about your whole life. Which sounds dramatic, but hear me out.

When you look at your social calendar, how much of it are you genuinely looking forward to? 50%? 80%? I think it should be 100%. Sure, some things you can’t get out of, and some things are investments or necessary evils (for example, maybe your in-laws aren’t at the top of your fun list, but you know it’s important and it’s worth it). But when it comes to your people who you choose to spend your SPARE time with, why the hell is that something you’re dreading? Makes no sense!

This is something I am JUST figuring out, thanks to my wise sister. We have been talking about how important our time is and how it makes us feel. Think about it – you’re looking at your week like, “Okay Monday I have happy hour with this girl from work who I don’t even like that much and it’s going to be awkward, but she asked me so I had to go… then Wednesday I have my friend’s party where no one I know will be there, but I should go because I didn’t go to her last leggings/oils/crystals/makeup party…then Thursday I have dinner with the boyfriend’s family friends who I’ve never met… then Friday and Saturday I said I would leave for the weekend with friends that I have realized lately I don’t click with at all….” SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT WEEK. I’m already exhausted.

But we’ve all been there, right? (If you haven’t, props to you and please comment with tips!) With that kind of pattern, I would start to feel kinda depressed about my life – where is all the fun stuff I want to do??

So we need to start saying no. With no guilt. Even if someone did nothing wrong, but you’re just not into it, say no. Even if you LOVE this person but you don’t love their bowling club, say no. And once your schedule is 90% shit you love, showing up for someone you love to do something you’re not that thrilled about will be a million times easier.

It’s about your life as a whole, and viewing your time as a precious (and scarce) resource. If I say no to this party these girls invited me to, I will have more energy to say yes to other invites that are way more important to me. And I will have more energy to do other things that make me happy, like exercise or cook for myself or read that book. Suddenly, you have time to do the things you WANT to do.

And even if you’re SO BORED, and the only thing to do this Friday night is hang out with those girls, still say no – because you know you won’t have a good time. And with that freed up time and space, you make room for new friends, new hobbies, new habits – and you will only let those in that you think sound fun. It might take some time, but then you’re looking at a bad-ass calendar.

Think of it as a wardrobe capsule for your life. Less=more, quality > quantity.

Sounds pretty dope, no? So start embracing “no”. We’ll do it together.

 

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Mélange à trois: Should we move in together?

IMG_7076 Welcome to the new series, Mélange à trois, where we will discuss life’s burning questions about life, love, and style. Have a question you just can’t find the answer to? Email me at missmelangeblog@gmail.com and we’ll talk about it!

 

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months. His lease ended unexpectedly, so he moved in to my huge room in my house with other roommates. It wasn’t a huge deal since he was looking to buy a house soon and would probably only be there for a couple of weeks. Then a new roommate moved in to my house, and things got weird – they were constantly bringing over strangers and partying, doing coke in the house, and just making me feel really uncomfortable. Another one of our roommates is now leaving, and I am having less say in who we choose for the room. Then my boyfriend found a house, and we found ourselves asking: why don’t I just get out of here and move in with him? He was going to get a roommate anyway to help with the mortgage, and I couldn’t stay in this house anymore. It’s so early in our relationship, but the idea doesn’t scare me – we’re really serious, said I love you, and just know each other is the one. It’s really just the idea of what other people will think… Are we crazy?

 

No, you’re not crazy. I wouldn’t want to be in that house any more either, and if you are serious with your boyfriend, I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to move in if it makes perfect practical sense. It sounds like the only thing keeping you from doing it would be what other people would think – which in my opinion, is never a good thing to base any decision off of.

But let’s talk it out –

Scenario 1: You don’t move in with him. In this case, you will feel a little creeped out at your own place all the time, and probably look for somewhere new to live – then you’ll have to deal with finding the money for a new deposit, hoping you’ll find a place that fits all your needs, etc…. And even if you do find another place, how long do you think you would actually live there before you would want to move in with your boyfriend anyway? Maybe 6 months, because being together for a year, then moving in, is more socially acceptable? Doesn’t sound that worth it to me. Moving is a pain in the ass – I try to avoid it as much as possible.

Scenario 2: You do move in with him, and it’s wonderful and yay and so easy and best landlord ever and they lived happily ever after.

Scenario 3: You move in and things go badly. You’ve only known him for a few months and you realize you didn’t know all these awful things about him and you fight and break up. Sounds awful to add living with someone on top of all the break up drama.

However – this could happen after a year, or two years, or ten years of living together. Sure, maybe you won’t get as many “I told you so”s from lame people who might judge you, but other than that – it will always suck.

I say, ask yourself what you would do in a vacuum – if you didn’t have to worry what other people thought. It sounds like in that case you would move in with him – so do it! If that’s the only thing that’s really in the “con” column, it doesn’t seem worth it to me to go against your gut.

 

What do you all think? Let us know in the comments below – especially if you disagree!

 

 

 

Have a question? Email missmelangeblog@gmail.com

 

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