family

Wait, why again?

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Mélange à trois is a series where we discuss life’s burning questions about life, love, and style. Have a question you just can’t find the answer to? Email me at missmelangeblog@gmail.com and we’ll talk about it!

 

I have this group of girlfriends that I see pretty often. I’ve known them for forever, and they are fun to hang out with – but lately I feel like we don’t have much in common, and even though I have fun, I leave feeling weird. I find myself giving more than I’m getting – initiating things with them, asking them how they are and not talking about myself at all… And I’m starting to wonder why I put in the effort. But I’ve known these girls for forever, and I would feel bad about turning down invites (even though they don’t come to my get togethers)… What can I do to not rock the boat, but to stop feeling bleh about the whole thing?

 

Okay. Let’s break this down:

  • These friends don’t have anything in common with you
  • They aren’t giving anything in your friendship
  • You feel shitty after hanging out with them
  • They don’t come to your stuff, but you go to theirs

The only things keeping you from changing it up are:

  • You’ve known them for forever
  • You feel bad turning them down

Let’s start with the two reasons that would prevent you from changing the current state of things.

It doesn’t matter that you have known them for a long time if you aren’t getting anything out of these friendships. It’s not like you’re banning them from your life, and if you end up having things in common later and life and they bring value as friends, then great, you can always pick things back up. But right now, your life is being weighed down by unnecessary shit, and this is something you need to cut out. We’ll get to why later.

But you also feel bad turning them down. Here’s the thing – what would you rather feel: irrational guilt for turning down an invite from them when they turn down yours, or that frustrated feeling you get when you realize you got off your couch and did your hair, all for a couple of hours that you wish you could get back to do something you care about?

Then there’s the bigger picture. It’s not just about your Friday night, or who has accepted the most invitations – it’s about your whole life. Which sounds dramatic, but hear me out.

When you look at your social calendar, how much of it are you genuinely looking forward to? 50%? 80%? I think it should be 100%. Sure, some things you can’t get out of, and some things are investments or necessary evils (for example, maybe your in-laws aren’t at the top of your fun list, but you know it’s important and it’s worth it). But when it comes to your people who you choose to spend your SPARE time with, why the hell is that something you’re dreading? Makes no sense!

This is something I am JUST figuring out, thanks to my wise sister. We have been talking about how important our time is and how it makes us feel. Think about it – you’re looking at your week like, “Okay Monday I have happy hour with this girl from work who I don’t even like that much and it’s going to be awkward, but she asked me so I had to go… then Wednesday I have my friend’s party where no one I know will be there, but I should go because I didn’t go to her last leggings/oils/crystals/makeup party…then Thursday I have dinner with the boyfriend’s family friends who I’ve never met… then Friday and Saturday I said I would leave for the weekend with friends that I have realized lately I don’t click with at all….” SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT WEEK. I’m already exhausted.

But we’ve all been there, right? (If you haven’t, props to you and please comment with tips!) With that kind of pattern, I would start to feel kinda depressed about my life – where is all the fun stuff I want to do??

So we need to start saying no. With no guilt. Even if someone did nothing wrong, but you’re just not into it, say no. Even if you LOVE this person but you don’t love their bowling club, say no. And once your schedule is 90% shit you love, showing up for someone you love to do something you’re not that thrilled about will be a million times easier.

It’s about your life as a whole, and viewing your time as a precious (and scarce) resource. If I say no to this party these girls invited me to, I will have more energy to say yes to other invites that are way more important to me. And I will have more energy to do other things that make me happy, like exercise or cook for myself or read that book. Suddenly, you have time to do the things you WANT to do.

And even if you’re SO BORED, and the only thing to do this Friday night is hang out with those girls, still say no – because you know you won’t have a good time. And with that freed up time and space, you make room for new friends, new hobbies, new habits – and you will only let those in that you think sound fun. It might take some time, but then you’re looking at a bad-ass calendar.

Think of it as a wardrobe capsule for your life. Less=more, quality > quantity.

Sounds pretty dope, no? So start embracing “no”. We’ll do it together.

 

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Broken gas light

 

When I was younger, I was surrounded by a lot of drama, conflict, and uncertainty. Unstable home lives, parents dealing with their own demons and relationship issues, substance abuse – these were things my friends and I were witnessing and dealing with on top of growing up and deciding how we wanted to abuse substances, or who we wanted to have sex with, or how we wanted to deal with conflict.

I don’t mean to oversimplify my adolescence – it was also like a heartwarming indie movie. Me, walking or driving under huge gorgeous redwoods, thinking about what my little self wanted – and afterwards coming home to a warm house wallpapered with art, intelligence, values of creativity, nature – with a warm balanced meal waiting.

No matter what kind of environment you grow up in, we all have to decide how we will manage our lives after we leave that environment. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like a choice – sometimes I feel like a complete product of how I grew up and the coping mechanisms that seemed to just appear inevitably, without my permission.

But I think there was a decision, maybe when I was 8, maybe younger? – to handle conflict and relationships in a certain way. My plan was to completely avoid it. And it seemed like as good of a strategy as any for a long time. Facing it head on just never looked like it worked out great, from what I could see.

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This plan had a lot of  unexpected ripple effects. In elementary and early high school, I thought being a good friend (and friendships then, of course, are practice runs for all future relationships outside your family) was to make that person the center of attention. If they are dealing with something hard, I should drop everything and be there for them.

But what if the Hard Thing they are dealing with lasts for… the entirety of our friendship? I realized that I was bottling up feelings and problems I was having to make more room for their Hard Things – because they seemed bigger. I could wait. Then I couldn’t wait anymore – the resentment would spill over, and I was so angry at them for not magically realizing on their own that I had been giving them this gift, the gift of not asking anything of them for so long so I could support them. How could they just not ask how I was doing? Didn’t they realize that we talked about them 99% of the time?

It was a tough lesson to learn: that I couldn’t expect other people to make sure my needs were being met. I had to set the stage for how I wanted to be treated. It was up to me, and it was unfair to be mad at these people after creating that environment in the first place – they didn’t ask me to do it, they were just following my lead. I never said it was a problem, until it was a complete disaster.

The problem is, this totally conflicted with my plan of avoiding conflict. I would rather secretly resent everyone in my room than risk raised voices – or even dancing dangerously close to the idea of conflict. To this day it makes my stomach feel like a lava lamp – the idea of purposefully starting a conversation that would be uncomfortable.

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This pattern (ugh, I even hate acknowledging that it’s a pattern – how… unevolved…) has been popping up in allll of my relationships. Friendships, family, boyfriends. And so many times, I felt like I cracked the code. “Look! I stood up for myself. I broke up with them after all that bullshit. I said how I felt, created boundaries, and cut them off when they didn’t respect them.” Okay. Except maybe next time those boundaries and outward declarations of how you felt could exist earlier in the relationship, and not just come crashing down on everyone, all of a sudden, when your resentment tank is full?

I don’t even realize I’m doing it. In the moment, I feel strong, and totally content. “He is way more busy than I am!” “I don’t have much going on right now, so it makes more sense for me to visit them more than they visit me.” “She just has more to talk about, my life right now is so mellow…”

The thing is, my life will always be mellow, without a lot going on. Because I do that on purpose. I love stability, zero drama (or the fantasy of it), a wide-open schedule – lots and lots of extra time for sleeping in, binging on a show, drawn-out conversations over beers, or road trips on long weekends. I make room for these things in my life on purpose, which is something I like about myself and the life I decided to have.

But even when things aren’t mellow – when my boyfriend is having heart surgery, when work is so busy that I can’t find any energy to blog or do anything other than stare at the TV when I get home – I will tell people, “Oh, there’s nothing much going on with me – I mean, things are a little crazy, but it’s just the same ol boring stuff – what’s up with you? You had that crazy thing happen the other day! We have to talk about that!”

In the moment, I don’t feel like I need that attention – I really DO want to talk about that crazy thing that happened, rather than my stuff. But after a while it builds up and I’m like “Why does no one care about my shit?” It’s like I check my gas tank and I’m 75% full, and I’m like, cool – I can totally drive for so long before I have to think about filling up. But it’s like I have a broken gas light or something – before I even think about checking on it, I’m broken down on the side of the road at 2am in the middle of a total emotional breakdown, before I realize that maybe I should think about how my gas tank is doing.

The frustrating thing is that I know all of this so well. But I forget every time, and I’m back in that tired old pattern, and when I’m on the side of the road again I’m just like yelling to the heavens, “GOD DAMMIT STEPHANIE!!!! Learn the lesson and MOVE. ON.”

It’s like the most dysfunctional relationship I’ve ever had is with myself. (…Wow. That was way more cheesy than it sounded at first. But I’ll leave it there, because whatever – cheesy is helpful sometimes. That could be the tag line for my heartwarming indie movie.)

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Image by Two Happy Lambs Photography

It’s really annoying now, realizing that I can’t chat with my friend in the car and listen to a whole album before checking in on my tank – I have to look at that fucking thing every 5 minutes. That’s my life now, if I want to keep things the way I want them – I have to make sure I’m being honest, making sure my needs are met, making space for myself, and not expecting anyone else to do that for me.

I have to make a conscious decision about how I want to live my life and how I want my relationships to be – when we were younger, we only had the examples around us for guidance. Now we have to decide, and work – really hard – to get to the life we want for ourselves. And we can’t put it on autopilot to get there. Unfortunately.

Being an adult in adult relationships is really hard, guys. That’s why I need so much sleep and Netflix time – to recover from this bullshit.

 

File this under “Steph’s Issues” – see also, “On Being Self-Depricating“.

 

Any arm wrestling matches that you’re having with yourself lately? I don’t know about you, but this shit is exhausting.

 

 

 

Santa Cruz

 

The past few weeks have been insane – Anthony got his PhD, which, whatever, isn’t a huge deal…

We had a big party, and everyone he’s ever met came into town to celebrate – then there was the stress of him starting to look for jobs, while finishing his dissertation and filing… Then there was an ER visit thrown in for fun – he’s okay, but with his medical history, everyone is extra cautious, so we end up there a lot. I feel like we should probably get frequent shopper punch cards – the 10th visit is free!

Needless to say, when our 3 year anniversary came around, we were dying for a vacation. But we were broke. So we decided to go stay at my parents’ house in Felton, CA – 15 minutes away from Santa Cruz.

My little hometown is tucked in the gorgeous redwoods in the mountains outside of the popular surf town. Felton is very small, with a couple of shops lining the main two-lane highway. I used to run through the trails in the redwood forest behind my high school for PE, and things like going to the movies or the mall was really only attainable once you got your driver’s license. Even then, we mostly had beach bonfires or parties outside in our backyards – why stay inside when you live somewhere that beautiful?

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Image via phish.net

Of course I didn’t truly appreciate my parents’ little house with an enormous yard and a grove of redwoods on the property when I was a teenager. But now, when I can make a getaway to this quiet, green, and gorgeous place where I’m fed for free, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. My parents have a detached studio with a queen sized bed and its own bathroom – we felt like we scored the best AirBnB in the world, but it was free!

I should have taken pictures of our little bungalow, but I did remember to take pictures of my mom’s NEW PUPPY!

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Kill me.

We spent the first afternoon playing with the puppy (obviously) and chatting with my parents. Then we went on a classic Felton date. We walked into the little town strip, checked out the ukulele store (which used to be a rock store – not kidding) and then went to the health food store across the street for flavored honey sticks (as amazing as they sound). Then we concluded our little funky Felton date with a stroll through the thrift store and walked home for dinner. On the way back I realized how cool this mural I passed every day for years was and had to share:

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After dinner we went to my new favorite place – The Cremer House.

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Image via The Cremer House

Who knew my little funky town had a cool place with lots (and lots) of good beer??

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The next day we drove through the redwoods to Santa Cruz to check out the Boardwalk, since Anthony has never been.

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I love the Boardwalk because you can just buy a couple of tickets to ride one or two rides, and you can still walk around the whole place. My dad grew up right next to Disneyland, and my nana said it used to be like that back when he was little. I hope the Boardwalk stays this way!

We rode the Giant Dipper (which Anthony was pretty impressed with – or just terrified because it was basically built with some 2x4s decades ago) and this favorite ride of mine:

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Totally don’t remember what it’s called. Sky Tram or something weird like that? Anyway, it’s awesome. Because I just have to sit there and not drop my phone and enjoy the beautifulness.

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After grabbing a beer downtown, we took a drive up to UCSC for the amazing views.

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We took the beautiful long way home through the redwoods, then had a bonfire with friends in the backyard. Magical, ya’ll.

I promise to take more pictures of the redwoods next time. But we could NOT stop taking pictures on our way back when we took Highway 1 from the mountains of Santa Cruz back home to Santa Barbara.

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Even though it takes quite a bit longer to get home, it was so. worth. it. Do it if you ever have the chance! Driving through Big Sur was my ultimate favorite – it’s my happy place.

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We may have pulled over 8 thousand times. It was amazing. Can’t wait until we can find a weekend to go camping there!

And then… this happened.

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We worked really hard on those “confused” faces so I hope you enjoyed them.

So ya, we’re driving along and I’m like “ARE THOSE ZEBRAS – pull over”. There were no “Zebra Xing” signs, or a sign that explains why they’re there next to the fence, nothing. After some googling it turns out they are from Hearst Castle, which I haven’t been to yet – but basically some rich dude forever ago decided to have zebras at his place, because, why not, and now they’re still here just chillin on the central coast.

So that was the exciting end to our trip. I miss northern California a ton, and I want to get back up to my home town again soon – hopefully in a few weeks.

 

What is your favorite cheap vacation spot? Any friends that have comfy couches in cool places?

 

 

 

Vacation Snapshots

Hello all! I’ve missed you – I hope you missed me.

I have been MIA for the last few weeks, travelling to Arizona and then Washington state. Anthony and I went to visit his family in Phoenix for a week and then I went with my sister and her family to visit my aunt and uncle in a little town called Winthrop, WA – 4 hours east of Seattle.

It was so beautiful in Washington! I live for forest and rivers. If you follow me on Instagram, you were spammed with me gushing about trees and water (we’re in a drought where I live – I’m desperate). Here’s a peek into what I was up to so you can live vicariously. Apologies for car photos and unedited snapshots – but I had to share!

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If you ever get a chance to drive over the pass through the Cascades, DO IT. It has become the part of the vacation that I look most forward to, driving right next to epic mountains and hearing waterfalls rush down the rocks as you drive by.

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We stopped by the cutest little ice cream stand on the way.

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This is what I was greeted with when I arrived:

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…which is why this is my kind of vacation.

Check out the little town of Winthrop:

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IMG_6445 IMG_6443 My niece and nephew are the cutest.

We had to go and at least put our feet in the river (it was hot as hell outside, but the water was ice cold). This checked off my main summer bucket list item: sitting in a river with my feet in the water and a beer in my hand. I didn’t have a beer at that very moment, but it worked.


IMG_6433 IMG_6448 IMG_6447 Their property is to die for.

IMG_6459 IMG_6449 IMG_6452 IMG_6471 IMG_6478 IMG_6483 Here’s where I stayed! I want one so bad – you can unzip all the windows and feel the breeze come through while you sleep. So comfy though!

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We stayed with my dad’s sister and her husband – here we are back in the day:

IMG_6535 We ended our stay with a slip n slide. It was awesome. Another summer bucket list item I didn’t even know I had.

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On the way back we spontaneously decided to stop at this amazing swimming hole we saw on the drive back to Seattle. The water looked like we were in Hawaii, but was ice cold. It still felt amazing with the 90+ degree heat.

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I was in heaven.

 

Where are you planning to travel this summer? What amazing places have you already seen?

 

 

 

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