Friends

What if

 

It’s a new year. Things have been shifting for a while now, and I have been focusing on minimalism lately – not like, I only own one chair and 3 shirts, but making my life full of only things that are important to me. Because why not?

I also get tripped up by second-guessing myself. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time – trusting my instincts, trusting my feelings, trusting myself in general – that I can do this, that I mean well, that I am not wrong, that what I feel is right.

So for 2017 I want to work on these muscles – letting things go. Trusting myself.

I wrote the below back in October, but it seemed like good timing to post it now – I don’t have any new years resolutions this year, but this kind of sums up the general vibe I am going for in 2017 – I want to be brave, be myself, and live the life I want to live.

 

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What if

What if I stopped caring what I said or how it may have sounded last night?
What if I lose a friend, or make someone feel uncomfortable, by saying how I feel?
What if I didn’t care about being the “cool” girlfriend?
What if I didn’t care if I killed the mood at the bar when someone says something sexist?
What if I don’t answer that text, show up to that party, or have this conversation, because I don’t want to?
What if someone thinks I’m flaky?
What if someone hates how much I post on Facebook about politics?
What if I devoted all my time and energy only to the people and things that truly matter to me?
What if I stopped doing things I don’t enjoy?
What if I stopped giving myself such a hard time about things that aren’t a big deal?
What if people think I’m loud, too opinionated, annoying, or that I talk too much?
What if people don’t like me?
What if I stopped caring so much and lived my life everyday doing exactly what I want to do?

 

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What are your new years resolutions/vibes? I’ve heard some good ones from friends and want to hear from you! My favorite one that I have heard today: “It’s ok to try EASY sometimes.”

<3

 

 

 

Wait, why again?

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Mélange à trois is a series where we discuss life’s burning questions about life, love, and style. Have a question you just can’t find the answer to? Email me at missmelangeblog@gmail.com and we’ll talk about it!

 

I have this group of girlfriends that I see pretty often. I’ve known them for forever, and they are fun to hang out with – but lately I feel like we don’t have much in common, and even though I have fun, I leave feeling weird. I find myself giving more than I’m getting – initiating things with them, asking them how they are and not talking about myself at all… And I’m starting to wonder why I put in the effort. But I’ve known these girls for forever, and I would feel bad about turning down invites (even though they don’t come to my get togethers)… What can I do to not rock the boat, but to stop feeling bleh about the whole thing?

 

Okay. Let’s break this down:

  • These friends don’t have anything in common with you
  • They aren’t giving anything in your friendship
  • You feel shitty after hanging out with them
  • They don’t come to your stuff, but you go to theirs

The only things keeping you from changing it up are:

  • You’ve known them for forever
  • You feel bad turning them down

Let’s start with the two reasons that would prevent you from changing the current state of things.

It doesn’t matter that you have known them for a long time if you aren’t getting anything out of these friendships. It’s not like you’re banning them from your life, and if you end up having things in common later and life and they bring value as friends, then great, you can always pick things back up. But right now, your life is being weighed down by unnecessary shit, and this is something you need to cut out. We’ll get to why later.

But you also feel bad turning them down. Here’s the thing – what would you rather feel: irrational guilt for turning down an invite from them when they turn down yours, or that frustrated feeling you get when you realize you got off your couch and did your hair, all for a couple of hours that you wish you could get back to do something you care about?

Then there’s the bigger picture. It’s not just about your Friday night, or who has accepted the most invitations – it’s about your whole life. Which sounds dramatic, but hear me out.

When you look at your social calendar, how much of it are you genuinely looking forward to? 50%? 80%? I think it should be 100%. Sure, some things you can’t get out of, and some things are investments or necessary evils (for example, maybe your in-laws aren’t at the top of your fun list, but you know it’s important and it’s worth it). But when it comes to your people who you choose to spend your SPARE time with, why the hell is that something you’re dreading? Makes no sense!

This is something I am JUST figuring out, thanks to my wise sister. We have been talking about how important our time is and how it makes us feel. Think about it – you’re looking at your week like, “Okay Monday I have happy hour with this girl from work who I don’t even like that much and it’s going to be awkward, but she asked me so I had to go… then Wednesday I have my friend’s party where no one I know will be there, but I should go because I didn’t go to her last leggings/oils/crystals/makeup party…then Thursday I have dinner with the boyfriend’s family friends who I’ve never met… then Friday and Saturday I said I would leave for the weekend with friends that I have realized lately I don’t click with at all….” SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT WEEK. I’m already exhausted.

But we’ve all been there, right? (If you haven’t, props to you and please comment with tips!) With that kind of pattern, I would start to feel kinda depressed about my life – where is all the fun stuff I want to do??

So we need to start saying no. With no guilt. Even if someone did nothing wrong, but you’re just not into it, say no. Even if you LOVE this person but you don’t love their bowling club, say no. And once your schedule is 90% shit you love, showing up for someone you love to do something you’re not that thrilled about will be a million times easier.

It’s about your life as a whole, and viewing your time as a precious (and scarce) resource. If I say no to this party these girls invited me to, I will have more energy to say yes to other invites that are way more important to me. And I will have more energy to do other things that make me happy, like exercise or cook for myself or read that book. Suddenly, you have time to do the things you WANT to do.

And even if you’re SO BORED, and the only thing to do this Friday night is hang out with those girls, still say no – because you know you won’t have a good time. And with that freed up time and space, you make room for new friends, new hobbies, new habits – and you will only let those in that you think sound fun. It might take some time, but then you’re looking at a bad-ass calendar.

Think of it as a wardrobe capsule for your life. Less=more, quality > quantity.

Sounds pretty dope, no? So start embracing “no”. We’ll do it together.

 

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Who were you in high school?

 

I bought my tickets to my 10 year high school reunion you guys. What.

And I am surprisingly (and maybe unrealistically?) super pumped about it. I don’t know what my deal is, but I never thought I would be the person who would look forward to their high school reunion. Maybe in high school I wanted to relate to all the teen movie underdogs as the awkward quiet girl, so I saw myself that way – and that’s kind of how I still remember myself. I was chatting with my sister about it the other day and had this realization – the person I thought I was in high school wasn’t really who I was at that time, in reality.

That might sound confusing, but bear with me on this little rant…

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Do you have an image of who you were in high school? I feel like everyone is always shoving the stereotypes down our throats, and I at least still use the one I identified with at the time as a lens for all my high school memories. In my mind, I was quiet and shy, maybe a little awkward, and terrified of being embarrassed and being in the spotlight. I had a couple close friends at a time, and I was’t outgoing by any means. The whole time I was miserable and counting down the days until it was over.

When I actually thought about it, I realized that I am not only nothing like that now, but I also probably wasn’t really that way at the time either. I was probably pretty much who I am today, just way more insecure, and quite unhappy. (Which makes sense since, in my opinion, high school sucks. I was immediately happier in college, because, duh – living on my own and sex and beer and a whole new world.)

When I changed my perspective, I started to remember a lot of things that didn’t match my “quiet girl” persona. For example, I always remember staring out my algebra classroom window, wishing and fantasizing that I had a boyfriend to distract me from everything (did I mention I didn’t have my first kiss until spring of senior year? Like I said, unhappy). What I remembered recently though was that we always had an intense card game after that class with a big group of people and had a blast while pretty much distracting everyone else from doing their homework. Not exactly the quiet and shy and miserable existence I usually remember – I was the same social person I am today.

I also forget that I wasn’t completely terrified of being in the spotlight – we used to perform at rallies and I was the host of a lot of them in student government. Sure, I reluctantly participated, but I remember feeling confident enough and not completely losing my shit when I had to wing it or make fun of myself in front of the entire school. I usually had a good sized group of friends, and cute guys would come hang out at my house, and I was invited to parties… things were definitely not as bleak as I remember them when I dug a little deeper into the high school memory vault.

It’s hilarious, because I always tell my friend that she was one of the prettiest, most popular girls in school, and she always says I’m crazy. She probably has a similar story in her head about being under the radar or unnoticed, because I’m sure that’s how we all felt at that age, at least sometimes. But from my perspective she was this force of nature as a 16 year old, and I always wanted to be more carefree and influential like she seemed to be.

Looking back, I was doing just fine and being myself, considering my circumstances. I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self to:

  1. Chill the fuck out.
  2. Stop being so terrified of guys. They’re like spiders – more afraid of you then you are of them, right?
  3. You are adorable and you are going to love your freckles all of a sudden once you hit college, so just start rocking them now.
  4. Wear whatever you want.
  5. Yes, for the last time, he was flirting with you FOR CHRISTS SAKE.
  6. Have more fun, even if that means going out of your comfort zone.

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Do you have an image of who you were in high school, and do you think it was accurate? What would you tell your high school self if you could?

 

 

Monthly Mélange

It’s the end of my birthday month (wah), but to cheer all of us up I wanted to do a roundup of what we chatted about this month in case you missed anything, plus some oldies but goodies to get you in the mood for fall. Enjoy!

Instead of spring cleaning, I did some pre-fall cleaning and purging of my closet – great timing if you want to archive your summer wardrobe to make more room for fluffy fall things like I recommend in the post!

5 Ways to Revamp Your Closet

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We kept the revampin’ vibe goin with How to Revamp Your Social Life – don’t let the cooler temperatures (which we have yet to see in Cali) prevent you from having a nice cold beer with some new friends.

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I celebrated turning Twenty Seven and reflected on some of the adulting I’ve been doing lately…

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We also dissected The Suede Trend  – if you haven’t joined the debate in the comments or on Facebook, you’re missing out.

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And finally, I started a new series, Mélange à trois, so we can talk about relationships, style, and any question that you want to chew on with us. I’m so excited to discuss this stuff with you – if you have anything juicy to talk about, email me!

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Now to get you in a fall-y mood, here are some oldies we can look back on…

Hello, my name is…: Want to get your pantry organized and adorable just in time for a baking craze? (I don’t bake, but if you do, send me some.) Check out Amy’s awesome DIY that you can do in minutes.

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Halloween: My yearly struggle to be all at once crafty, original, adorable and attractive: I am still trying to decide what to be for Halloween. What do you have in mind? Once again, the panic is setting in and I need ideas! This one is still pretty cute…

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The Easiest Bun: 3 Ways: I am missing my long hair, you guys. And throwing it up in a bun and running out the door. A bun is the best accessory for fall outfits, and I miss it. If you want some bun-spiration (that was weird), check out this post I did a while back with longer locks – it has some pretty entertaining facial expressions.

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Now if only the weather would stop being 85 degrees constantly. Before you yell at me for being ungrateful, imagine months of that with no air conditioning in a tiny apartment that has no air flow. Anyway – I am ready for fall people! Hopefully I can join you and the rest of the world soon with my scarves and tights and pumpkin spice lattes.

 

 

 

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